Wednesday, May 13, 2015

A Note on my Spiritual Status

I don't really know how to say this, but I don't know how much I feel like being Mormon (LDS) anymore. There's no event or interaction that causes me to not feel such a spiritual pull towards LDS. There's nothing I don't like about the church. I don't necessarily want to leave and not be a member, but for whatever reason the teachings just aren't taking me to the higher vibration that I like to function on spiritually. When I was at my spiritual peak, I was New Age. I read a lot of books by people like Sylvia Browne and Brian Weiss, I was really into The Law of Attraction. My life was so good and even when it wasn't good I could see how everything was connected and everything has a reason.

I began going back to a traditional church for my children and because I wanted to be involved in a spiritual community. I'm the kind of person who believes all Gods are one. I believe whether I went to a Christian church or converted to Islam I'd be worshiping the same God, just taking a different path to find Him. At first, I went to a Baptist church and then I tried Mormon. Mormon is my absolute favorite Christian church that I've been too and I've attended many different churches. That definitely hasn't changed. If I want to go to traditional church no matter what I will always choose Mormon as I do love the very beautiful concepts they have. Church history is also incredibly interesting to me and you can't beat the people. At Baptist church (the other denomination I've attended most) everyone was very clique-y. I attended the same congregation for a year and only came out knowing a few people by the time I left and the congregation wasn't even large. Just no one talked to anyone else. Many families had been attended that church for years and I suppose they just weren't looking to meet new people, which I don't mind, because I'm antisocial myself and hate talking to people. However, walking into a LDS church is the absolute opposite, I've never walked into a ward without practically leaving with 5 new friends, a playdate arranged, and a dinner invitation on my first day.

I really don't want to list things that I dislike about church as I don't want to hinder someone from possibly joining  such an amazing church. So, what I'm saying is don't let my preferences stop you from becoming Mormon. Like I said, I'm at my highest spiritual point being more New Age, but LDS may (and I'm positive does) do that for other people.

I just really feel like people need explanations, because I know Mormons are very passionate about their religion.

Let's see.

-Sex. I like that. See, I'm almost 30 and I've been married, divorced, and have two children. I'm not a teenager, I was good when I was a teenager, but I'm a grown up now and I treat my pussy right, she don't go without m'kay? I don't like marriage and Mormons are very heavy on marriage. I'm not saying I wouldn't consider being married one day, but that's not an aspiration I've ever had. I feel like the church is still at a very archaic point with sex. I think maybe I'm not prude enough. Maybe I caught on to late to Christianity and my mind is already tainted beyond repair. I hate to say this and maybe my God Gene (there is such a thing, I read the book) is malfunctioning, but even Jesus doesn't make me not want to not do things I like to. That's why, like, when alcoholics go to church and give up alcohol because I guess Jesus gives them the strength or whatever, I'm just like speechless. I can't get to that point, like there's no number of Mormon Channel videos that I can watch that can make me care enough. I don't mean that in a mean way. I actually love the Mormon Channel because it is uplifting, it's just I've never heard, seen, read a spiritual message from any church where I'm like, "damn, that moved me. I gotta change." I thought I could when I first joined the church, like I really intended to not have sex, but then again I was single and I didn't see that changing. However, then I met my boyfriend at church... we started dating like a month after we both joined and what a blessing he was mmm mmm.

-Tea. I love it. I don't care about the herbal vs. black tea Mormon debate. I drink it all. If it's wrong I don't want to be right. I just don't see God being that petty to really care.

-Jesus. I know this sounds bad (also), but I've never felt a connection with Jesus. The church is very heavy on Jesus nowadays, I think I'd been better off Mormon when they were bigger on Joseph Smith back in the day. Joseph Smith is a bigger drawl for me to the church because he's such an interesting character and I just love hearing about him. Praise To The Man is my favorite hymn, I have several versions of it and listen to it all the time. Anyways, I certainly believe in Jesus. I believe he existed, yeah. I just don't know how I feel he fits into the big spiritual scheme of things. I know, no one cares how I feel about his place in religion because people are really gung-ho for Jesus, but I feel like he really overshadows actual God. I never believed they were one in the same, Mormons don't either so that's a big plus for Mormons. Ever since I was a little girl, going to Baptist school, I'd bypass worrying about Jesus and go straight for God. God is everything. He's the main man, the creator of everything. Jesus was here like 30-something years doing miracles and Gods been around for all time doing them. I just don't see the big deal, I understand the "died for our sins" thing, but I'm more of the Templar persuasion and when I was going to Baptist church I was big on trying to become more knowledgeable about the Bible and maybe something got lost in translation, but Jesus was pretty rude. Some of the stuff he says to people, and I wish I would have like highlighted the verses or something, was just a big turn off to me. I feel like Jesus is really more of a pop culture phenomenon rather than a religious figure. Like I said, God, I love God. If Jesus does for you, what God does for me, that's cool too, I'm not trying to pursued you differently, this is just my spiritual preference.

To sum it up, this is just three things that just don't make me connect as much I'd like with the church, however, there's so many more really good things! I just don't like going to church and pretending that I'm on the same page as everyone else. I feel like an imposter in a lot of ways. I also sometimes don't like people knowing I'm Mormon since I don't want them to get a bad impression since I'm not the best ambassador for the religion to non-members. I'm not terribly good person, I do all the things LDS says I shouldn't, I'm pretty much everything most Mormon women aren't. And that's saying a bad thing about me, not about them. I don't like feeling like a hypocrite and LDS has really helped my family and lifted me up emotionally when I was down. The church is very generous and loving and I've not met someone at church whom I didn't like. It's taken me a long time to really know how to share exactly why I'm a bit disconnected from the church because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings or offend people. These are just my little feelings and opinions on religions and they shouldn't really matter to anyone else or change anyone else's mind. I just have a more fluid approach to spirituality. I like to flow wherever my spirit is calling me to go. When I was no religion and thought God hated me my spirit led me into the New Age movement which made me believe in God, then I was led to the Baptist church, then my spirit was drawn to LDS. Maybe, it will go back again to being more drawn to it, but for right now, I feel like to be closer to God I need to go somewhere else for awhile. I don't know where yet, but I definitely feeling more New Age. I want to find God more through nature, rather than in a cold building. I would also like something not so political. Christianity has too many opinions for me. I think everyone should mind their own business, as long as no one is hurting anyone it shouldn't matter what people do.


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